Heathy Info Plus: When You Clash over Cash

The leading cause of disagreements in the first 10 years of legalized lovin' isn't lipstick-stained collars, lap dances, and suspicious hotel charges, according to a study by the University of Michigan's Early Years of Marriage Project.

It's money, honey.

In fact, statistics reveal that couples argue about finances more than anything else. In a 2006 Money magazine poll, 84 percent of respondents said money causes tension in their marriage. What's more, a study last year by the University of Virginia's National Marriage Project revealed that couples who fight about finances once a week are more than 30 percent more likely to split up than other couples. "People think money is an objective topic and that fair means the same thing to everybody," says Amanda Clayman, a financial therapist in New York City who writes a blog called The Good, the Bad, and the Money. "But money is subjective and emotional. And messy."

Gender Spenders
When it comes to handling the green stuff, divergent personalities abound: There are spenders who are prone to doling out dollars like Tic Tacs, hoarders who have a hard time parting with even a small amount of their hard-earned cash, dreamers who sock away a certain amount from every paycheck in hopes of one day owning a summer home or starting their own catering business, and even spiritual types who believe that money is the root of all evil.

And no matter which of these categories you're in, the guy you're living with may very well be your exact opposite. Says Clayman: "We tend to seek out partners who handle money differently than we do." Plus, the longer you're in the relationship, the more polarized your money habits may become. And if you and your partner aren't on the same page, it can lead to drama.

Money Talks
Enter a new breed of indemand expert, born out of our inability to talk about finances and further fueled by the bum economy: the financial therapist. Offering talk-based services to couples, financial therapists dig deep, looking at the emotional roots of our relationships with money—not just what our dysfunctions are and what to do about them, but also where they originated. That's because money issues are often about more than money: They can be about love, control, independence, security, or trust. "Whatever is going on internally with a person is always expressed in how they handle money," says Clayman.

Little wonder then that money problems often find their way into the bedroom. "If you're lying about purchases, distrustful of each other's spending, or not able to meet financial obligations, it can be hard to sustain the connection you need to keep your sex life healthy," says Reeta Wolfsohn, a financial social worker in North Carolina. But combining some funds and sharing important financial responsibilities creates intimacy that enhances other aspects of your relationship.

In fact, working through money issues can create a stronger emotional bond overall. "When we talk about compromise and cooperation, it can be abstract," says Clayman, "but money gives us a quantifiable tool. Building these skills can improve the well-being of the relationship."

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Last updated: August 17, 2010 Issue date: September 2010